Breathing, we all do it. Other than being alive, how else do you know that your breathing? Do you breathe through your mouth or nose? Do you breathe deep into your belly or shallow into your chest? Do you hold your breath at all? Do you ever think about your breathing? Well if you don’t, I bet you are now. This blog is about my journey with my breath, from a wound up, breathless mess to a Zen Queen (sometimes). I learnt the hard way that the quality of breath correlates directly to quality of life.
During my 10-day silent meditation course in 2021, the technique had me focusing only on my breath for days. After 3 WHOLE days of just observing my ‘natural’ breath, I realised that I haven’t been breathing naturally at all…for years potentially. I was consciously sucking them in, pushing them out. Somehow in the stress of last few years, breathing consciously had become a habit. Imagine being such a control freak that you can’t even let your body do it’s most important job.
I knew that I’ve had a breathing issue for a while. A while back I remember telling Mitch that I felt I couldn’t breathe normally. I was trying really hard to fix it. I’ve done Wim Hoff, I also did another online breath course by another bearded yogi. I would get myself to sleep with square breathing, 5 seconds in, 5 hold, 5 out, 5 hold . But these techniques all have a common aim to control the breath and that was my problem. What I needed to do was get out of my own way, trust my body, let go and and let my breath flow naturally.
Sounds stupid, I know. When I realised I wasn’t breathing naturally, I did a test. I figuratively stepped back and didn’t TRY to breath, I just observed to see if my body could breathe on its own. It took about 15 seconds and a mini freak out, to happen as I guess my natural breath was timid after years of suppression. But sure enough my belly expanded, I didn’t even feel the air go in and then I exhaled. What an absolute revelation that was! I don’t need to constantly think about breathing! It just happens! Does everyone know this? Or am I the only idiot that couldn’t complete a basic life function properly!?
This explains the constant feeling of angst and tension I have been experiencing for years. As I was consciously breathing by habit, when I would be busy talking to someone, working or lost in thought and couldn’t multitask, I would hold my breath or breathe really shallow. This would make me feel all wound up. There is now such a thing called email apnea where one is so caught up in stressful emails or work that they unknowingly hold their breath for up to a minute at a time multiple times a day, turning oneself into a human stress ball.
It is obvious the relationship between my breathing pattern and stress. Short, shallow breathing and holding my breath equalled a busy mind, muscle tension, worried thoughts, a sense of rushing, which all made my breathing even worse. A viscous cycle I was stuck in for so long. Deep, long, natural breathing equals a calm and quiet mind, loose muscles, ability to stay present and slow down. This is the state I am now slowly and gently (as oppose to trying really hard) working towards as my new normal. I still sometimes catch my mind reverting back to its all controlling ways, but now through breath and thought awareness I am able to ease back into my natural state of calm. Deep inhale, long exhale… ahhhh peace.
Me being me, I had to go a step further in my breath journey. Now that I have found my natural breath, I want to push the limits on my breath’s potential. Cue freediving. Freediving is an activity where one holds their breath for minutes at a time underwater and dives deep to explore the depth of the underwater world and human breath holding potential. It mixes mindfulness, mindset, a sense of danger all while looking like badass mermaid. Ticking all my boxes.
In did a freedive course last year, learning all the theory and tricks of the trade in a pool. I managed to do a over 2-minute static breath hold (face down, playing dead in the water) and 45m length underwater swim that day. Not bad for someone who couldn’t even breath normally 6 month prior. My body actually had more oxygen in the tank to keep going past the points I reached, but I chickened out. With a low tolerance for C02, survival instinct set in in you ignore the calm and motivating voice of your instructor willing you to keep going and you come gasping for air.
Freediving is totally mind game and thats why I love it. I now join a weekly freediving group at a pool here in Perth to increasing my breath hold capacity (CO2 tolerance, mental strength and calmness). A 2 minute plus breath hold is now easy. Freediving is only activity I have come across where to push yourself further means to relax and let go.
The benefit to this seemingly insane activity is building your ability to stay calm under pressure, tolerance for discomfort, and connection and trust with your body. Skills that are valuable in all areas of life, not just when you have your head under water.
I scored a couple spectacular days in Exmouth finishing the ocean components of the course. I gradually worked my way down to a 15m dive, staying calm and composed while bronze whaler sharks swam by. One word to sum that feeling up hanging on the line listening to whales sing… BLISSFUL.
Life begins and end with a breath. Every breath in between IS LIFE. Are you making the most of each breath?
Good books to read on this topic:
Breath & Deep by James Nestor
Photos by Kyra @Salty Hearts Freediving
P.S
This blog draft has been sitting in my draft files for over a year now. I’ve been reluctant to finish editing it and post it as I feel I have not mastered/perfected the subject yet. I am definitely no breathing angel. I still snore most nights and struggle with shallow breathing when I’m busy. How can someone who still sucks at breathing write a blog acting as an expert on the topic?
Well, to throw a little Astrology at you, according to my birth chart, my destiny or path forward is to embody the archetype of the wounded healer (Chiron is on my North Node for those Astro savvy people).
The wounded healer is someone who is working on their own wounds and dealing with their pain, although not fully ‘healed’ they have gained wisdom through their healing journey and are able to share their healing gifts and wisdom with others. For me words are medicine and I heal through speaking my truth and sharing stories. This is how I embody my wounded healer (Chiron) energy. I hope my words can be a healing light for you xx
Jess xx
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