Part 2: Catch and Release

I was set on my decision for an abortion from the very start. My circumstances made the decision even more clear. I was living in remote NT with bugger all access to health care and anything else for that matter. I would want to keep working until the end of the year if I was to give birth the next year. And living out in Mäpuru alone, working a really stressful job while pregnant and during the build up, did not sound like a good time. Plus going from the stress of finishing uni, to the stress of first year teaching in a remote community to the stress of motherhood, would just be too much for my already weary soul to handle. Any thought of going through with the pregnancy scared the fuck out of me. I know sometimes life throws you curveballs and you just have to make it happen, but I am so grateful there was a choice in this situation, not an easy one but I had the choice. My freedom and independence, which I value so highly were being challenged. I would like to actually have a some childless relationship time with Mitch before being thrust into parenthood. I know I don’t need to explain my decision. No women should have to it’s her body, her life and her choice. I made this decision for me, with the support of Mitch. But at the end of the day it was my decision and I own it.

There were so many feelings at this time. I’ll try to capture them the best I can. First, I felt a little relieved that I finally had an answer and I wasn’t just being a drama queen. My intuition was right. But also instantly overwhelmed with the enormity of the decisions ahead. I felt embarrassed that I had been so confident in the birth control method I was using and even convinced Mitch who was sceptical. I had been meticulously recording temperature and other cycle data for months. Even though I could reach out to Mitch by phone whenever I needed, all of the sudden the cherished solitude of living alone in the bush turned to empty loneliness. I was so far away from everyone who cared about me. I longed to be somewhere familiar and surrounded by people who really knew me. I felt guilty that I would have to have time off work and leave someone else with my responsibilities. I felt guilty for not attending the women business ceremonies that were going late into the night because I just didn’t have the energy. I felt guilty for lying/withholding information to the Yolngu people about my situation as I thought it best to keep it secret as culture views on the matter are very different.

I also felt a connection with the little soul that had chose me. I started talking to it and writing letters to it as a way of processing. With this came great sadness as I begged for forgiveness but also comfort knowing I had a little spirit in tow. Instead of resisting its presence I beginning to seeing this whole situation as a big lesson. I was due to learn how to be gentler on myself, be vulnerable and let others hold me. Now this was the real test.

A couple weeks and 27 mental breakdowns later and I was back in Darwin. It was a logistical nightmare organising a flight and appointments to line up. But I did it. I felt instant relief being back with Mitch. My tears dried up and the general sense of dread and was replaced with gratitude. I was grateful for having such a supportive partner in Mitch, giving me somewhere to stay and looking after me. I was grateful for the tight circle of friends who I leaned on from afar during that period. I was also grateful for living in a country where abortion is legal, affordable and accessible. I had time to breathe and process in a safe place before my appointments the following week. In that time I got some clear signs that I was making the right choice, therefore I found peace in my decision. My next step was to get through the physical part.

I was about 7-8 weeks pregnant when I had my abortion. I was able to have a medical abortion, a series of tablets that essentially cause a miscarriage. The first few tablets block the pregnancy hormones, which I can only describe as the way you would feel on the Tuesday after a heavy weekend on the disco biscuits- a massive comedown. I sat in that state for 2 days before it was time to take the next lot and get it all over with. So that Friday morning back in August, I sat with 4 pills in my hand ready to pull the trigger. To be honest I felt no emotion on this day. I had released and processed so much in the weeks leading up to it, that I was fully surrendered to what I had to do. I was totally focused on getting through the mess and pain, emotions took the backseat that day.

I’m one of those lucky bitches who very rarely gets period pains so the pain of the contractions absolutely rolled me. Mitch raced home from work as it all began quicker than expected. He found me nearly passed out on the toilet. I got through another couple hours of pain and lots of blood with Mitch by my side. When the last contraction eased off and I felt the worst was over. All I felt was happy and relieved. So so so RELIEVED. The big hard thing I had been anxiously anticipating for weeks was over. I spend the rest of the day numbing with Netflix, proud of myself for making the right decision for me.

I had the following week off to rest and have some more appointments. It just so happened that the two weeks I was away in Darwin, the whole Mäpuru community and school had gone to another community for a big ceremony, so there wasn’t actually any school on. No one had to cover for me. How’s that for divine timing! All my energy came back and I was feeling good. It’s crazy how much being pregnant can drain you of your energy. As someone who has always felt like they have control over their body, this small period of losing that control really scared me. So when I went back out to Mäpuru, there was only 4 weeks left of term, I went hard on the exercise. I know for me, exercise is a coping mechanism, it always has been and it can get unhealthy at times, but it’s not the worse way of coping. I got through the rest of term holding it together the best I could.

Writing this story has been very healing for me. I was stoic about it all in the months following, sweeping it under the rug and getting on with life. Sometime even forgetting it even happened and then trying to force myself to be sad when I just couldn’t feel anything. In writing this I was able to go back and process and release all the emotions from a more mentally stable position (through lots of sobbing). I knew pretty early on in this shit storm situation that I was going to write about it and use my story to empower others destigmatise talking about abortion. Shame loves secrets, shame loves to be kept in the dark. Shame can’t survive when you shine light on it. So here I am sharing my abortion story with NO shame whatsoever. I’m hoping my story can help other women own their stories without the shame.

Recently I found out something really cool that gave me shivers. It’s to do with this photo below.

This was the day after I had first voiced to Mitch that I thought I was pregnant and he dismissed it. I mean come on mate, look at my big pregnant boobies in this photo (I know you probably already did)! We went out to a nearby beach (nearby in NT standards which was like 3 hours away). Mitch, as you can see caught this big ass fish. I learned from someone who has been working with Yolŋu people for a long time, that in Yolŋu culture, if a man catches a really big fish, it’s a sign that there is a baby on the way, his wife is pregnant. As it is a metaphor for catching a baby spirit. I couldn’t wait to tell Mitch that he was still shit at fishing and it was our baby spirit saying hello. To add another layer of woowoo onto this, it makes sense to me from an astrological point of view, I was in the crystal clear shallows when Mitch was reeling it in, I am a Pisces, the fish of the Zodiac, also the baby’s due date would have been in Pisces season (Feb-March). So it just fit that the big sign we got from our baby spirit was a fish. I don’t know the cultural rules about eating the baby spirit fish, but we did. Sorry fishy. Now this photo has so much more significance for me. Just Mitch, me and our baby spirit happy on a beach. We caught a baby spirit together and we released it back into to spirit ocean, where it will waiting for us when we are ready to catch it again for real.

Much love, use protection.

Jess

16/12/21