Warning: this story contains details surrounding my abortion. Read at own risk of discomfort, shock and disapproval. This is my truth. It is not my responsibility to ensure your comfort in reading this.
July Holidays in the NT, you get 3 weeks school holidays. I had planned to spend it all with Mitch, the new fella. We have been doing long distance all year and it sucks. So holidays were the only time we get to actually spend time together. We were supposed to be visiting the Sunshine Coast/Goldy for a couple weeks. However, COVID did it’s thing and after spending the first week in lockdown in Darwin we were able to get to Cairns for the week instead. Fast forwards to Cairns and I’m getting my cards read for the very first time. Old mate wizard was on the money with all the info coming through. Then he asks if I’m thinking of kids. Um hell NO! I’ve only just come around to the commitment of having a boyfriend, so kids were definitely not in my near future plans. I didn’t say this to him instead just got awkward and tried to tell him we had only been together for a few months but he cut me off and told me that he reckons a couple kids within the next 2 years. Get out of town, I nearly fell off my chair.
Little did I know while this conversation was going on there was currently a very determined sperm that had survived a good week of what I imagine was like weeklong sperm doof in my uterus, all still high off the ecstasy of ejaculation and hanging out for the headline act: OVULATION. This microscopic Ian Thorpe must have been a surviour from lockdown week time killing activities (Mitch and I going at it like rabbits). Mind you that week was also, according to my fertility chart, a NON fertile week. Charting is a natural method of birth control where you take your temperature first thing every morning and record the consistency of your cervical mucus. You then put this data into an app and you can then predict fertile and non-fertile times and use protection accordingly. It takes lots of effort on my part (as most birth control seems to for females), but was happy to not be relying on hormones and learning more about my body and cycle in the process. However, I was not aware that the relentless nature of the swimmers Mitch was shooting my way and their enhance ability to set up camp inside me for a good week. I can’t say I’m surprised. Mitch is a Scorpio. Scorpios are the rulers of sex and reproduction. Both my Mum and Dad are Scorpios. 6 kids. Enough said.
Fast forward 2 weeks I’m still not aware that the deed had been done. I’m back out in Mäpuru and Mitch has come out with me this time to stay for a week. Slowly clues start coming together. We were sitting at the table one night I was doing some work finding Youtube videos, Mitch was sitting next to me. The ad that came on before the video played was a pregnancy test video….. We both looked at each other and awkwardly laughed. That was one sign. Next I had to get the vaccine that week and the nurse doing her job asked me if I was pregnant before jabbing me. No I replied. I was still convinced my period was just about to come. Full moon was the next day and my last few periods had come at full moon. But then I had a second thought to myself that I could possibly be pregnant. But dismissed that and kept my faith in the full moon because I like to believe I'm in sync with it.
Getting the vaccine gave me a good excuse to chuck a sicky the next morning, I was feeling pretty rubbish anyway. However, I did vomit later that morning but I’m certain it was from drinking strong black tea on an empty stomach. The tannin in tea messes with your stomach and make you chuck. I told my Principal that I vomited and he joked about me being pregnant. At that stage this was still a funny joke.
Another day and still no period, it all started adding up. I had cried multiple times that week for no good reason and despite Mitch being there with me. My boobs bigger than they had ever been in my life. I was so tired. I was struggling to get up in the morning. I’m a morning person so getting up is usually an easy job for me. I just had this feeling in my body that was not right. I knew then I was pregnant. I voiced this to Mitch and he thought I was being silly and stayed on the positive thinking train. I can see why Mitch thought I was overreacting. Just 2 nights before, after my getting the Astra vaccine I got out of the shower and my whole arm had gone purple and swollen. I may or may not have thought I was taking my last breaths while repeating to myself “I’ve had a good life”- LOL. So I may be known to be a little dramatic when it comes to my body and health. While I may have been wrong about dropping dead from the vaccine, I was really bloody sure that I was pregnant.
When you live in a town or city and have a pregnancy scare, you just go down to the chemist and buy a test - right? From a random server who doesn’t know you or even better self-serve checkout. Depending how close you live to town you could have an answer generally within an hour. Easy right. Well I was currently in Mäpuru a tiny homeland community in North East Arnhem Land. A 10 hour drive back to Darwin or nearly 3 hours flight ($2100 one way). The shop in town only sells bags of flour, basic pantry items and smokes, definitely not pregnancy tests. My only option was to wait until the following Wednesday (it was currently Friday) for when the nurses fly out and it was up to me to make sure they had a test to bring out for me. Having a pregnancy scare anywhere sucks, but having one as remote as I was a fucking disaster.
I contacted the health manager, he wasn’t answering my calls as he probably had bigger problems than a balanda (white) girls getting knocked up. So I text him the story and with that I got the reply ‘CONGRATULTIONS’. This was the beginning of a long string of awkward conversation I had to have with health professionals, friends and family about what I intended to do IF I was pregnant.
Mitch left on that Monday morning as he had to get back to work, which was also the first day of school. Leaving me to what proved to be the some of the hardest weeks of my life. I know this was just as hard for him to leave me knowing what may come. It was like someone had turned a tap on, I couldn’t stop crying. Sobbing in the classroom while I was cutting up the fruit for the day. I pulled myself together and got on with teaching. Of course that morning there was a baby in the classroom that I held while her mum could get some work done. Thanks universe, rub it in a little more why don’t ya. And at lunch time I went to my Principal and told him what was up. He apologised for the pregnant joke he made the week before and gave me his full support. At this stage I still didn’t know for sure. I somehow floated through teaching the next few days and on Wednesday when I heard the nurse plane fly in, I almost vomited with nerves.
I finished teaching that morning and marched over to the clinic. It’s like time stood still on that short walk, suspended animation. Old mate health manager had the test ready for me and sent me into the toilet. I dropped my pee onto the test and immediately one line showed up, 2 lines was the deal breaker. While I watched the test intently, I found myself hoping that it would confirm my belief, not because I wanted a baby but because if I wasn’t pregnant I would have to find another reason to why I was feeling like a crazy person, and that was equally frightening. It only took minutes for the second line to start appearing. Sure enough it was there. I was knocked up alright.
I bawled my eyes out on a video call with Mitch when I got home showing him the positive test. He gave the sweetest response ever saying he wished he could fast forward a few years to when this would be exciting news for us. Which only made me cry more. I was ready to book a plane the next day back to Darwin to sort out the situation. But was informed that even if I went to Darwin straightaway, I was too early on to even get an abortion. I had to wait at least 3 weeks before they could even see anything on a scan. So I needed to stay here and get more pregnant before any action could happen- yay!
Stay tuned for part 2
Jess xx
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