Lessons from Loneliness

When going through the interview process for the job at Mäpuru at the end of 2020, I repeatedly got asked the question ‘won’t you get lonely being out there by yourself ?’ They were nervous in hiring a single female to come out as a couple years ago they had a girl out here who was so homesick they had to fly her Mum up to visit. I assured them they will NOT be flying my Mum up to visit. Sorry Jenni, but you wouldn’t last a day in a dry community. It was hard to say if I would get homesick, as I’m not too sure of what home I would be sick for. I moved out of my Mum’s at 19 and spend 5 years bouncing around different rentals on the Sunshine Coast. Although, I’ve spent most of my life in Victoria, it wasn’t where I was meant to stay, hence the desire to leave and little desire to return. Similar story with the Sunshine Coast, I made a life for myself there, but again, the urge to be somewhere else tells me that place isn’t my home either. At this stage in my life my sense of home is fluid. I know I am not someone who likes to stay in one place very long. I was more concerned about my desperate desire to be someplace new once I get bored, than to be longing for a place of my past. So the possibility of being homesick was dismissed. But the big loneliness question still loomed.

I didn’t really have people to miss like crazy. I course I do miss family and friends, but I already lived away from family, so I am used to not seeing them for extended periods of time. Plus, most of my really close friends are go getters like me, so are off doing their epic things, our relationship are already surviving long distances. I have been doing life standing on my own two feet for so long that I have reached a level of independence that gives me the confidence to take on challenges solo. Little did I know I would meet Mitch and fall in love (it may or may not have happened that quickly -story for a later date) just weeks before I headed to Mäpuru. So much for not having anyone to miss…

I knew the loneliness was part of the parcel and, as strange as it sounds, I wanted it so bad. I had already spent most of 2020 off social media and had broken away from my party lifestyle and all the socialising that comes with it. I had been slowly crawling away from the noise of the world and back to myself. My real self. I was beginning to experience some really profound healing/personal growth/ spiritual awakening, all of the above. I was ready to take this all to the next level and live out in the bush by myself for the year. I wanted to see what was on the other side of loneliness and use my time in solitude to go deeper into the unravelling of myself. So I put on my tough cookie front and assured them that I was fine with being all alone, it’s what I wanted. I’m not actually a tough cookie. I put on a good show. I’m one of those Woolies 40% choc chip soft crumbly cookies, heading out to the heat of the Top End so my melting and crumbling was impending.

“I won’t lie, sometimes the isolation is all consuming, scary, like its closing in on me. Sometimes it’s so expansive and it sets me free” Jess’ Journal 4/4/21

As much I do thoroughly enjoy and value my own company, loneliness did creep in now and then, usually when I was bored. Like a slinky, time gets all stretchy when you spend most of it alone. Sometimes an hour stretches out so far and you don’t know how you’re going to possibly fill the day. Then it speeds up when I’m busy with work stuff or one of my many little hobbies. It's interesting how emotions influence our concept of time. Even the concept of time itself is interesting, especially after living with an essentially timeless culture all year. Blog for another time.

My standard weekend at Mäpuru would go a bit like this. Friday arvo redownload my social media apps as I have a strict 5 days off 2 days on policy. Friday, Saturdays are my days on. I’d spend Friday night catching up on social media stuff from the week, talking to Mitch and remembering that life goes on outside the Mäpuru universe. I would then spend all Saturday anxiously keeping busy, I like to call it consciously numbing. This is when I watch Netflix, read books, scroll social media or go down astrology rabbit holes knowing the reason I am doing so is because I am running away from acknowledging some difficult feelings. I would get to Saturday night, sometime it would take me until Sunday, for me to be sick of all the running from myself and I would crack and face reality. The big emotions that had been lurking just below the surface would burst, usually in a big dramatic cry or rage, as I acknowledge my feelings and let them come up. I would then journal out my new big epiphany and turn it into a TED talk in my head for Mitch to listen to on the phone later. Every damn weekend this shit happened. Weekend were appreciated, but also daunting as I knew it meant I was in for another emotional wound being exposed. I wanted to know what was on the other side of loneliness. This was it. With not much to distract me from what going on inside, in the solitude of living remote, I was forced to face my inner demons.

One of my most recent episodes, was my second last weekend at Mäpuru. On Saturday I found a new astrology app, so I spent hours diving deep into birth charts. I bought 2 new books on my kindle just to fill the time. So I had a text book Mäpuru Saturday of consciously numbing. It all came spewing out when I got out of the shower that night sobbing and angry at myself. I was shitty that I had deprived myself socially this year. I missed Friday night drinks, I missed headland picnics, morning oceans swim and coffees with friends after. I missed birthdays, I missed dinners out or even just meals with company. I’m 25 and have still never been to a wedding, I had to opportunity to go to 2 this year, but NO I was out here working. I felt like I have forgotten how to even socialise and feared that I would be awkward and anxious at any future social occasions, as it was all so far away from what my life has looked like this year.

I was having a full breakdown and was angry journaling it all, when I looked at the date at the top of the page something made me reach to my 2020 journal and check what was going on the same date last year. It to midst of my sobbing, raging journal sesh, I read my entry from the same date last year and it was actually the day I accepted the job at Mäpuru. The journal entry was from a excited but naïve Jess, who was over the moon that this amazing job had crossed my path. This gave me some perspective. I flipped a page back and then found this wisdom nugget the pages where I was tossing up whether or not I should take the job.

You know when someone gives you really good advice and you know it’s true but you are just not in the mood to accept it or don’t want to accept it from that dick of person. Well what’s even worse than that, is receiving that advice from your younger self. Shut up, 2020 Jess, you wise bitch. Just let me wallow in my pity, eat chocolate and cry myself to sleep. But of course that wise bitch was right. All day I had been focusing on all what I was missing out of, thanks social media (now you see why my 5 off, 2 on rule is important), and it didn’t help Mitch was at a 21st that night so the FOMO was hitting extra hard. I had forgotten about all the amazing experiences I’ve had this year, that most people will never experience in their life time. And more importantly all the growth I have gained through my solitude because I was willing to sacrifice a year without all the fun things that come with living in a big town or city.

As disappointed and sad as I am about missing out on some important social events and time with friends and family this year. I still don’t regret my decision to work remote. I still believe I went out to Mäpuru for a reason. All those reasons are starting to come more apparent. I went out there to let the solitude be my teacher and boy did it teach me some lessons. I needed this time alone to purge some of my hidden emotions and reach a level of self-knowledge that will lay a solid foundation for the rest of my life. Relationships are great and so important, but only real guarantee relationship wise in life is that you will be stuck with yourself until the day you die. You may as well get to know yourself and hopefully enjoy your own company. I believe the relationship you have with yourself is a reflection on the depth of relationship you can form with others. Deny knowing yourself and accept shallow connections, know yourself deeply and be blessed with relationships of real depth. You can turn to as much outer world stuff to hide and run from yourself but sooner or later you will have to turn inwards and deal with what’s within. My advice is do it sooner rather than later and embrace all that loneliness has to offer.

Much love x

Jess

6/12/2021